How I understand sayings

I usually understand in my way sayings before I process them,to understand what they really mean.

1.An apple per day keeps the doctor away.
So if I gather apples every day when I go to the doctor I throw with them at him.

2.A picture is worth a thousand words.
I still got a F for drawing a picture instead of writing an essay.

3.Teamwork…means never having to take all the blame yourself.
It means you didn't do anything and it's the rest of the team's fault.

4.Speak softly and carry a big stick, you will go far.
I'm sure that the one who said this wasn't thinking at what I'm thinking.And I ain't saying what I'm thinking.

5.Money can’t buy you happiness.
But it sure sustains it.

6.Life is like an onion: You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
And sometimes it just stinks.

7.There is a light at the end of every tunnel.
And it's a damn train.

8.Happiness is the best face lift.
If you're to happy (gay) eventually some is gonna come and lift your face(your nose to be more precise).

9.The mind is like a parachute.
It doesn’t work unless it’s open.

10.Knowledge talks, wisdom listens.
Teacher talk...students sleep.